So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
