Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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