I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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