Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Randomize
