mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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