Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
