life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I have aggressive nipples.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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