i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
