One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
