Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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