$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
