you traded sex for a burrito?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
