You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
