Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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