No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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