god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
