I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
