i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
