So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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