I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
