i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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