FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
