Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
