In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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