It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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