I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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