So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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