I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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