Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
