i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Randomize
