I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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