We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
