There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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