this beer tastes like vomit already
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
