Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
