The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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