That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Randomize
