Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
