are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
