Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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