I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
