i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
