I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Randomize
