so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
