I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
