Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
