I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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