I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
