Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
