He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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