my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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